What does it really mean to “go with the flow”? — a Daoist approach to navigating life

It’s always the easiest to look for someone or something to blame when something goes wrong in our lives. We like to dwell on what we could’ve done, where we could’ve gone, whom we could’ve reached out to, that might have resulted in a different outcome. Perhaps that would’ve righted the wrong that was plaguing us in that very moment. And perhaps we were right, there could’ve been a different outcome.

But, that’s simply not the reality.

What happened has happened and there is nothing we can do to revert that. So what is the point of thinking what if? Time only ever moves forward and not backwards. That is the reality we’ve been given in this life time. When we choose to focus our energy on all the possible alternatives that did not happen and could not happen to us again, how helpful is it for us to deal with what is in front of us in that moment?

While it is helpful to reflect on the past to help us understand ourselves better and therefore different choices we could’ve made in order to help us make wiser decisions in the future, there is a danger in becoming stuck in pondering the “what if’s” and the “could’ve been’s”. We risk being stuck in the past or in a version of a future that is not real. At least not yet.

The truth is, whatever happens, there’s always an element of our own doing and there’s an element that is completely external to us that is beyond our control. And that’s life. The only thing that matters is how we make sense of what happens so that we can make our life a bit more enjoyable.

Mentality and perspective is everything.

The Dao

Laozi and his ancient wisdom played an instrumental role in shaping the way I navigate life’s happenings. According to Laozi, there is a universal pattern that governs the way Life works. He calls it the “Dao”, or the “Way”. The first verse in Dao De Jing says:

“The Dao that can be trodden is not the enduring and unchanging Dao. The name that can be named is not the enduring and unchanging name.

(Conceived of as) having no name, it is the Originator of heaven and earth; (conceived of as) having a name, it is the Mother of all things.

Always without desire we must be found,
If its deep mystery we would sound;
But if desire always within us be,
Its outer fringe is all that we shall see.
Under these two aspects, it is really the same; but as development takes place, it receives the different names.

Together we call them the Mystery. Where the Mystery is the deepest is the gate of all that is subtle and wonderful.”

(translated by James Legge)

Laozi speaks of this force, the “originator of heaven and earth”; it cannot be named, but has a name. It’s not something we can touch, yet we feel its presence everywhere we go. The “Mystery”, this invisible yet powerful force that governs life is what makes it beautiful and mystical. And it is up to us to try to understand the patterns of this force so we can learn to flow with it. To enjoy it. To learn our roles within it. In other words, go with the flow.

We hear this phrase perhaps way too often. It has been thrown around in self-help books, memes, contents, what have you, in the name of giving life advise and motivation. And unfortunately, it loses its meaning and its significance quickly when it’s being used in an oversaturated manner like that. People don’t really think about what it means anymore.

It is important to make a distinction here that to “go with the flow” does not equate to passivity and complacency. It does not take away personal agency, determination, and strive.

Going with the flow is about dancing with existing dualities between the certain and the uncertain, between self and others, between the visible and the invisible. It is a fine balance of push and pull, action and inaction, holding on and letting go, form and formlessness. It is knowing when to be patient and wait, and when to be proactive and take. Life is constantly changing and evolving, and so are we.

Be Water

“Be water, my friend.” You might be wondering where that famous quote from Bruce Lee came from. According to Laozi, water is the closest form of existence on Earth that resembles the principles of the Dao. He says

“the excellence of water appears in its benefiting all things, and in its occupying, without striving (to the contrary), the low place which all men dislike. Hence (its way) is near to (that of) the Dao.

The excellence of a residence is in (the suitability of) the place; that of the mind is in abysmal stillness; that of associations is in their being with the virtuous; that of words is in their trustworthiness; that of government is in its securing good order; that of (the conduct of) affairs is in its ability; and that of (the initiation of) any movement is in its timeliness. And when (one with the highest excellence) does not wrangle (about his low position), no one finds fault with him.” (translated by James Legge)

Laozi wrote this in the context of what is believed to be around 6th century BCE during the Warring States Period in China, in regards to the happenings of Chinese society at the time. But I believe this is a timeless wisdom that is ever relevant today.

How I understand Laozi’s description of water is the idea that we as individuals can strive to embody the fluidity and flexibility of water in any given situation, to be nurturing and giving as water is to all life on Earth, to be in a place that fits with our heart’s desires the way that water fits into any given container, to be aligned with what is true to ourselves so that we cannot find conflict with anything or anyone. In order to find our truest selves and to be like water, there is an element of agency and drive that is implied here.

To go with the flow does not mean to give up on everything and let happenings take us however they happen. To go with the flow does not mean we stop trying and give up all that we want in life. To go with the flow simply means that we try to understand our part in this universal pattern of Life that we are somehow all uniquely part of and follow it. Only when we truly understand what this means, then we start to see everything that happens to us in the context of this flow: the present, the water, the Dao.

So... the next time you encounter something that didn’t turn out the way you expected or wanted and you find yourself feeling disappointed, angry, sad…acknowledge, give time and space for the disappointment and the emotions that arose from that. And when you’re ready, remind yourself of the flow that we are all a part of and ask yourself:

“If what I expected or wanted isn’t happening, what is the lesson or insight for me in all of this?” “Can I make space for this uncertainty and discomfort, and trust that what’s happening right now is going to help me evolve into a direction that I don’t know yet exist?”

I’ll admit, it’s extremely difficult to not blame ourselves or anyone else or fall into a negative emotional rabbit hole. It’s possible, but, be patient.

Be open to the possibility of change and a different direction that life might be taking you. Let go of a version of reality that is in the past or that never took shape. Instead of trapping yourself in a negative self-talk “that person is to blame, that my life is miserable, I am terrible, I’m not good enough,” tap into the flow of the present instead. Be water.

Make space for the impermanence, the uncertainty and the discomfort that comes with the immanent changes in your life. Let go of any ideas of what you thought you wanted in life and be open to your own transformation and change. That is the only way we can go with the flow, with grace, with strength and with an open heart.